Marriage Counseling/Retreat

Mark and I recently had the extreme pleasure of joining 20 other bleary eyed couples on an all day marriage retreat that is required of all soon-to-be newlyweds.

Trust me, we both could have easily(off the tops of our heads)listed about 1,459 things we'd rather have done on a Saturday morning. Tops on my list was reorganizing the refrigerator, scrubbing the bathroom toilet and whipping up a delicious batch of brownies. Mark's list of "things-I-could-be-doing-if-I-didn't-have-to-sit-on-a-hard-folding-chair-talking-about-God-for-seven-hours" included watching a Badgers game, drinking beer, playing cards and eating a bratwurst.

Needless to say we weren't thrilled...but it was required so we had no choice! I knew the day was going to be a blazing success when Mark stopped at a gas station enroute to the UW-GB campus to pick up a Snapple and a tube of Pringles chips. (Wonderful breakfast eh?) I gently "chided" him on his eating habits which resulted in my adoring, loving, wonderfully sensitive fiance' accusing me of "nagging!" We put the incident behind us and concentrated on enjoying the scenery and navigating the tricky Green Bay road construction.

While we weren't technically lost, we did managed to pass the same exact strip mall (which featured a red sign that said "Vaccuums For Sale!" - so I knew it was the same place) about 3 times before he finally took my advice and turned left.

Though we found the campus easily enough, we couldn't for the life of us find the Ecumenical Center. Another small arguement and 15 mintues later I suggested pulling over to read one of the "You Are Here" billboards that were strewn about the campus. With a huff, Mark pulled the car over and I hopped out to find out exactly where "here" was. Ah ha! I trotted back to the car and happily told him, "We just have to follow a squiggly line and take a left at a bunch of bushes. About an inch later we'll see a newly constructed building and if we go through the little stop sign we should see it right there!"

Mark rolled his eyes, put the car in gear and lurched toward the squiggly line...er...road. With approximately 42.6 seconds to spare we finally found the Ecumenical Center and filled out the registration form. Mark, afraid to show any sign of affection in a room filled with "Godly" people, sat about 10 feet away from me and continued to scootch his chair a few millimeters everytime someone looked at us.

Surprisingly enough, the couples workshop actually wasn't that bad. Several couples in their late 20s/early 30s led the discussion with anecdotes about their young marriages and starting families. Most of the talk centered around managing finances and learning to forgive and forget and to "not sweat the small stuff." At intervals, we'd talk for a few minutes as a couple to discuss things like how we plan to discipline our children and which things we will do to keep the romance alive in our marriage.

The take-home message for me was learning to say "I" instead of "You" in arguments. For instance, if I was angry with Mark for leaving the toilet seat up I would typically say - "You drive me nuts! You're always leaving the toilet seat up!" Instead, I should say "Mark, I feel frustrated and upset when I accidently sit on the cold, hard porceline of our toilet seat. Could you please try to be more careful next time?"

Ok, not quite that sappy. But in any event, I did start to realize that the way I say things is often more important than what I say. We learned a little more about ourselves and in the end, came to the conclusion that the recipe for a happy marriage is:

A lot of love, mixed with a heap of trust, a pitcher of forgiveness, a dash of romance and a pinch of faith. Though we're not "holy rollers" (as my dad would say!) we do believe in a higher power and the value and healing power of church and togetherness.

We received our certificate for surviving the retreat and headed to our car. Still smiling about the wonderful bonding experience Mark and I had just had and the lessons I learned, I slid into the car and fastened my seat belt. I looked at Mark, Mark looked at me. In a true testiment to our relationship, we said in unison ... "We need a drink!"